sinking like sand in your sea
by elizashamilton
Summary: some people believe in love at first sight. some people say it takes a lifetime. for maya hart it takes five years. / or the stages of falling in love with lucas friar


i. infatuation

He was just a pawn. Or at least, he was supposed to be. He was just supposed to be her way of teaching Riley about boys. And yet here they were, a year later, with him choosing Maya over Riley—well, not choosing Maya so much as her way of life. _He must be sick and tired of being so damn perfect all the time._ She couldn't believe that he had become more than the boy on the subway, more than Riley's crush.

She also couldn't believe that she was _actually_ having fun with him. He had convinced her to be the one to paint his face, since she was the only artist in the group and he 'wouldn't settle for less than perfection' on his face. _As if his face wasn't already perfect._ He went on to return the favor, painting her face—with heavy guidance of course. She had never looked so closely at his face for such an extended period of time, and as a result she noticed things she never had before, like the small scar on his cheek just under his eye. She was silent while painting his face, making meticulous movements, but while he painted her face he made conversation and cracked jokes. Lucas Friar was actually funny—not that she would admit that to anyone.

But then he had to go and ruin it.

"Maya, if there's no good kids out here noticing us, then, what's the point?"

Already frustrated, Maya snapped. She grabbed Lucas by his collar and yanked him closer to her.

"You questioning my leadership, Hop-along?"

She had pulled him much closer than she had intended, their noses nearly touching.

"Okay, these names you're calling me are killing my street cred."

She nearly scoffed. As if he had street cred. .

"Aw," she faux-pouted, blinking up at him. "And what would you like me to call you?"

"I'd like you to call me 'Mad Dog'."

Maya felt her stomach flutter—were they . . . flirting? No, no _way_ Lucas Huckleberry Friar had a flirtatious bone in his body. She ignored the feeling, cocking her head to the side and shaking it slightly.

"You don't seem like a mad dog to me."

"Well what do I seem like to you?" His face completely transformed, lips turning up into a smile, eyebrows lifting, even his voice took on a different tone.

There was no denying it this time—her and Lucas were _flirting_. Even if it was totally unintentional on her part, which it was, he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. She wasn't complaining though, not at all. She almost didn't want it to end. That, of course, was impossible. She fluttered her eyelashes, deciding to lay it on thick for the finale.

"You know that lamb that Mary had?"

"I don't like the way that this is going."

She smirked as she released his shirt, noticing the smile was still on his face. Somewhere deep down inside something was nudging her, trying to tell her something. She ignored it. She was just playing their game.

And she had won.

ii. understanding

There wasn't a single eighth grader at John Quincy Adams Middle School that had a last name beginning with G. This was the conclusion Maya had come to, because in every class Friar and Hart were seated with each other and paired together for projects—the muffin project had only been the beginning. And, just like with the muffin project, Maya found herself back at Lucas' apartment.

"Don't you think our English mid-term should be an essay on a book or a poem instead of an essay on each other?"

Lucas shrugged and dropped a plate of chocolate chip cookies in front of her—homemade she was sure. It was the dreaded mid-term season. Last week Mr. Norton gave them the whole sludge thing, in art they had to do abstract self-portraits based on their identity, and Mr. Matthews had told them their mid-term next week would be about changing their own histories. She supposed JQA just gave unconventional mid-terms as a rule.

"I think Harper wants to get to know us better."

Maya pulled out the question sheet and began to skim it. "For that we could've written essays about ourselves."

"Well maybe she wanted us to get to know each other better too."

She glanced up from the paper to shoot him a weird look. "We already know each other Huckleberry."

Lucas fidgeted in his seat. "Yeah but, not that well."

"Name one thing you don't know about me."

"Your favorite color."

"Yellow. And yours is blue."

His eyes widened. "How did you know that?"

"You wear a blue shirt every day," she said dismissively, scribbling something on her paper. He shook his head.

"Let's just stick to the questions she gave us."

Maya nodded. "You want to be a veterinarian. Why?"

"I guess I just love animals. I grew up around them, so . . ." he shrugged.

" _Lame_ ," she mumbled as she wrote it down. He looked at her contemplatively and sighed.

"We had a family dog, his name was Rudy. He was basically my best friend. When I was ten he started acting weird so we took him to the vet. By the time they figured out what was wrong with him it was too late."

"Oh my—Lucas I'm sorry."

He smiled. "It's ok, at least he wasn't suffering anymore. That's why I want to be a vet, so that the animals don't have to suffer."

Maya felt something in her stomach swirl. She tried to drown the feeling with a large helping of water.

"What do you want to be?"

She shrugged. "A good person?"

"You are a good person, you're an amazing person Maya."

She scrunched up her face but said nothing.

"Don't you want to be an artist?"

"I'm not good enough to be a professional artist."

" _Maya_ ," he began, in a total what-the-fuck kind of tone. "Yes you are. You're an amazing artist."

Maya rolled her eyes. "I think you need to expand your vocabulary."

"Maybe you just need to stop being so amazing."

At that Maya's eyes snapped up to meet his. She just stared at him, completely at a loss for words. _Did he really just say that?_ His cheeks flushed slightly, as if he couldn't believe he had said it either, and he cleared his throat.

"Who are you closer to, your mom or your dad?"

"Oh, _definitely_ my dad."

Lucas' face paled. "Crap I—I'm sorry Maya I forgot—"

"Calm down Cowboy. It's not your fault my dad is a piece of shit."

Her tone was playful, but her face betrayed her pain. Lucas placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I get it, I'm sorry."

"You get it?"

He hesitated and she shifted towards him subconsciously. He stared down at his hands.

"Yeah. My dad isn't exactly 'Father of the Year' either. He's a really angry person, that's where I get it from, I guess. He just . . . he's done a lot of bad things. My mom finally divorced him, that's one of the reasons we moved to New York. She wanted to be away from him and she has family here."

Maya hesitantly reached out and placed a hand on his. "Thanks for telling me."

He looked up and met her eyes. "I think you're the only person I've told."

The swirly feeling was back, but this time she didn't ignore it or drown it. She couldn't even look away. She bit her lip.

"Do you think you'll ever forgive him?"

"I think so." He sighed. "Mostly because it makes me angry, you know? And I just—I don't want to be angry anymore."

She nodded. "Yeah, I get that."

"Do you? Think you'll ever forgive him, I mean."

"I don't know. I don't know how I could."

iii. crossing the line

 _I'm going to hurt Riley Matthews._

"You like me?"

 _Strike that. I'm going to_ kill _Riley Matthews._

"No." She had never said anything faster.

"Maya, why didn't you want me to ride in the rodeo?"

 _Crap_. She struggled to think of a valid excuse. The few seconds of silence were long and deafening.

"Because, I didn't want you to _win_ and get all conceited."

"I don't think that's it."

 _Would he ever shut up?_ She suppressed the urge to smack him.

"I don't think that's it," she said instead, mocking him with a poorly-done country accent.

"I don't talk like that, I just don't! Why do you see me like that?" He threw his hands up in exasperation. _How do you think_ I _feel Bucky?_

"Of course I don't see you like that! Can we just—can we just look at this fire, please?"

"Yes."

Maya dropped onto a stump—as far away from Lucas as possible—and watched the fire. _Finally_ it was quiet. Even though the quiet left her alone with her thoughts, they were easier to deal with than _him_.

But then she felt his eyes on her. She glanced up to check and sure enough he was staring directly at her.

"Stop."

He made a face that said something between 'sorry' and 'chill'. But he didn't stop. She could still feel him, watching. She sent him a look and he looked away. She kept her eyes on him and sure enough his gaze soon turned back to her.

"Can we just stop, I just want everything to stop! It's bad enough that I've been keeping this secret from Riley all this time!"

"What secret?"

She licked her lips and sighed. "You guys are so much alike. I thought you were just like brother and sister too."

"Why?"

"You're at your best when you're just talking to each other. Looking out for each other. That's what I believed but I kept it a secret."

She paused, her mind racing. He was silent next to her, but she no longer wanted silence. She turned to him. He was finally watching the fire, a pensive look on his face.

"And now the secret's out, so I don't have to carry it around with me anymore. I just, don't want to have anymore secrets from her."

"So, you _don't_ make fun of me because you like me?" He stood and made his way closer to her.

She sighed. "I'm just gonna watch this fire."

"Maya, why do you make fun of me?"

 _Think of something to say think of something to say thinkofsomethingtosay—_

"Because you're easy to make fun of!" She stood and approached him, trying to taunt him and finally get him to change the subject.

"Ok then stop."

"Because you're a Huckleberry, because you're a Ranger Rick—"

"Would you stop—"

"Look, if I had _feelings_ for you don't you think I'd just come right out and say it? Well I don't so what I do say is ha-hurr—"

She gasped. She hadn't realized how close she had gotten to him—that is, until he grabbed her face in his hands. And she gasped. And then she froze. She didn't move—she couldn't. His hands cupped her cheeks and tangled in her hair. His eyes were serious and dark as he gazed into hers. He closed his eyes. She couldn't close hers. He inched closer, slowly.

 _He's going to kiss me. Holy_ crap _, he's going to kiss me._ Maya's heart raced as he neared, and then—

He pulled away.

"Why did you do that?" She asked, her voice coming out quiet and raspy, almost like she had been kissed.

"I don't know, I just, wanted you to stop!" He was immediately on the defensive. She raised her eyebrows at him. "Please don't tell my sister."

She shook her head. "You couldn't think of another way to stop me?"

"Not at the time, no!" He paused. She knew he was right—there weren't many ways to stop her from doing anything. His method, though, had been very effective. She could barely remember her name, let alone what she had been doing before.

"I'm sorry."

She looked away, but couldn't help look back at him. He was magnetic. "You don't have to be sorry Huckleberry. Of course I like you, you're a good guy."

There it was, the bomb was dropped.

"If you got hurt, I don't know what I would have done." She hated how her voice cracked as she sat back down. He hesitated before joining her on the log. He watched her, waiting for her to say something. She finally turned to him.

"I don't want to have any more secrets from her."

They sat in silence for a long time. They knew something had changed between them.

They had crossed a line, and there was no going back.

iv. disturbances

"Riley still loves Lucas!"

"You became me."

"You lose yourself and become like her so you get to know him like she knows him. What a great way to see if he's good enough for your _best friend._ "

That said it all, didn't it? Maya should have known it was doomed before it even began.

After all, hope is for suckers.

v. understanding (again)

Maya paused at the window, hand poised to knock. She peered in to see Lucas hunched over his desk. Something in her stomach churned—she hadn't been alone with Lucas since him and Riley had started dating. The fact that they had broken up didn't make things any less awkward—if anything, it made things _more_ awkward.

She knocked.

Lucas jumped, banging his head on his desk lamp. Maya winced. He rubbed his head as he approached the window.

"Sorry about your head," she said, climbing into his room.

He waved her off. "I'm fine."

They stood in silence for a moment. Lucas stared down at her and she looked anywhere but at him. She waited for him to speak. After all, _he_ was the one who invited her over to work on their summer assignment.

"So . . . Spanish?" She relented, raising her eyebrows.

"Right, Spanish." Only then did he seem to remember why she had come over. He motioned to his desk and pulled over an extra chair for her.

She approached hesitantly, wondering if there was a way for her to discreetly scoot the chair farther away from him. She pulled out the book and all her other supplies, organizing them meticulously before finally sitting.

"I didn't know you were taking AP Spanish this year," she said, glancing over at him. "I didn't even know you spoke Spanish."

He chuckled. "I'm from Texas, Spanish is pretty common over there."

It clicked in Maya's mind and she hid her face in embarrassment.

"Why isn't Zay taking it then?"

"He's taking French, his family is Cajun."

She nodded and they fell back into an uncomfortable silence. The elephant in the room was taking up the _whole_ room.

Lucas sighed and turned to her. "Look, Maya, I don't know what happened between us—"

Maya raised her eyebrows. He grinned sheepishly.

"Ok, well, regardless of what has happened," he paused and considered her. "I miss you."

Her face slowly shifted to one of shock. If she had expected anything from today, that wasn't it. She watched him swallow thickly.

"Despite what people may think, we were pretty good friends before. I miss us, and I really hate how awkward things have been. How awkward things are."

"Me too," she said in a small voice.

"Do you think we could just try to forget all the weird stuff and go back to the way things were?"

Maya chewed her lip and watched him carefully. "We can try Cowboy."

Lucas' subsequent smile threatened to break his face in half. It was contagious too, and Maya couldn't help but smile down at her book. Her stomach flipped but she ignored it. _We can't do that again._ She was just happy they were friends again.

"So," she began, tucking some hair behind her ear. "Have you read the book Señora Feinstein–Chang assigned?"

"No," he said with a laugh.

"Great. Me neither."

They worked for two hours straight, and Maya was pleasantly surprised by the fact that she was actually having fun. Not only was Spanish a subject that she was good at, but her and Lucas were able to fall back into their old routine fairly easily and were teasing and joking back and forth. Soon they decided to take a break. Lucas leaned back in his chair and Maya could feel him watching her as she stretched.

"Are you gonna stop acting dumb this year?"

She froze mid-stretch. "Ex _cuse_ me?"

"Maya, I know you're a lot smarter than you act—I just witnessed it. I know you're capable of doing well in school. I don't know why you act like you don't know anything."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "When you do well once people expect you to continue to do well. This way I don't disappoint anyone."

He scoffed. "That's the line you've been feeding people since seventh grade. Maybe it's true, but it's definitely not the only reason."

She set her jaw and looked away.

"You don't have to tell me, but whatever the reason is shouldn't hold you back from doing your best. You're capable of more."

Maya's resolve broke and she sighed. "It's not who I am."

"What do you mean?"

"Being smart, using big words, it's not who I am," she said quietly, spinning her ring around her finger. "Everyone says so."

"I don't give a shit what everyone else says."

Her head jerked up in surprise. She wasn't sure she had ever heard Lucas curse. He looked at her with a serious yet soft expression.

"No one else gets to decide who you are. I heard about the whole identity crisis thing from the guys. I think it's total bullshit." He placed a hand on her shoulder. "You didn't turn into Riley, you just _changed_. Everyone changes when they grow up, but you're still you, ok?"

She nodded, her stomach fluttering wildly.

"And you _are_ smart. Even if you don't act like it, you and I both know it's true."

Before she even knew what she was doing Maya was hugging him. He rubbed her back slightly.

"Thank you."

vi. fighting it (and failing)

Maya would fiercely deny it if anyone asked, but she loved Texas. Lucas had dragged the gang back for his brother's wedding and Maya was just—wow she loved it there. There were so many stars, and his family was so big and friendly, and there was just a vibe that she really . . . loved.

The wedding was outdoors, sunny with a slight breeze—it was October and it was just starting to cool down. Zay was raiding the buffet with Izzy while Riley forced Farkle to dance with her. Lucas was God-knows-where schmoozing with his many relatives, and Maya had settled down at a table and was having an interesting conversation with his Grammy.

"He really wore it every day?"

Grammy nodded. "Every day for a _year_."

Maya didn't even bother to hide her laugh. She had _so_ much new material.

"Oh, and when he was eleven—"

"No Grammy, not that story."

Maya and Grammy looked up to see Lucas. Maya tried to ignore how good he looked in his tux, but he had untied his bowtie and undone a button or two of his shirt and _shit_.

"Lukey!" Grammy's face lit up at the presence of her grandson. He grinned and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"Done makin' the rounds Huckleberry?" Maya teased. Her country accent had gotten much better—exposure, she supposed.

Grammy grabbed his hand and patted it lovingly. "Shouldn't you be off partying with all your little friends?"

Lucas made a face at Maya and turned to smile down at Grammy. "I actually came to steal Maya for a dance, if you don't mind."

" _Actually_ , me and Grammy were having a _fascinating_ conversation, so—"

"Oh that's quite alright dearie, you go," Grammy urged. She then tugged Lucas down to her and whispered, loud enough for Maya to hear, "I like her Lukey."

Maya fought a smile and avoided looking at Lucas—because she could feel him looking at her. He turned back to Grammy and whispered a reply that sent Maya's stomach into a flurry and a blush to her cheeks.

"Me too."

Grammy smiled and began to shoo him. "Now go dance."

Lucas laughed and grabbed Maya's hand. She let him drag her to the dance floor—complaining the whole way, of course.

"I don't _dance_ , Huckleberry."

"I've seen you dance, Maya."

"I'm in heels."

"You're always in heels."

They had barely made it to the dance floor before the song changed to a slow one. _Of course_. Lucas held out his hand and she hesitated, chewing her lip. She gave in, taking his hand and draping her other hand around his neck while his free hand settled on her waist.

It had seemed like Lucas had the intention of talking when they arrived on the dance floor, but instead they settled into a comfortable silence, swaying to the music. Maya didn't know when it happened, but they had shifted positions—both of his hands encircled her waist and Maya's free hand had made its way to his shoulder, her head resting against his chest. It struck her that she didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, she felt calmer than she had in a long time.

"The last time we danced together was eighth grade," he hummed into her hair.

"I remember." She laughed slightly, the action sending vibrations across his chest. "I'm not sure if that was really considered dancing though."

The song faded out and Lucas pulled back a bit, prompting Maya to do the same, so he could look at her.

"Maya—"

"Alright y'all, it wouldn't be a Friar festivity if we didn't do the Texas Star Square Dance! Everyone find a partner."

Lucas' eyes lit up and Maya stepped back. "Oh no no no, I am _not_ —"

He ignored her, taking her by her waist and pushing her towards a group of couples.

"I don't even know _how_!"

"Don't worry, you'll catch on. They say the steps in the lyrics."

Before she could argue again the song had begun and she was being twirled and whirled this way and that. Before she knew it she was catching on and actually having a good time. She laughed for the entire duration of the dance, but Lucas didn't seem to mind—not if his goofy grin was any indication. They traded partners multiple times throughout, but Maya couldn't help but notice that Lucas seemed happiest when they were partners. She was too.

Finally the dance came to an end. The last move was some sort of turn, where Lucas spun her out and pulled her back in, her back against his chest and their arms crossed in front of her. While the other partners separated and wandered off, the two remained as they were, out of breath.

"Admit it, you had fun."

Maya turned her head to look up at him, a snappy response ready, when she froze. Neither of them had realized how close they were, but with her heels and her face turned to him they were only inches apart. She could feel the soft puffs of his breath on her cheek and was suddenly hyperaware of how her body was pressed to his. She watched as his gaze fell to her lips and she felt her heart pound. Her eyes flit down to his lips and she tipped her head up without realizing. If he just leaned down the slightest bit more—

"Lucas?"

They separated instantly, letting go of each other's hands and taking a step back, breathing even heavier than before, their cheeks pink. They stared at each other for a beat longer before looking up to see one of Lucas' relatives at the microphone—and everyone in a twenty-foot radius staring at them.

"Ready to give your Best Man speech buddy?" The relative asked with a smirk. Lucas smiled sheepishly and made his way over.

Maya went back to her seat next to Grammy and tried to control her racing heart while he spoke. That kind of stuff wasn't supposed to happen anymore—they were _friends_. Lucas wasn't unaffected either, and stumbled over his words a few times.

When he finished he approached the pair and Maya's heart picked up all over again, but instead of asking her to dance again he simply pulled up a chair and joined the conversation.

Neither of them missed the way Grammy smiled at them knowingly.

vii. getting together

Maya took a deep breath and tugged her sleeves down over her hands. She had escaped back to the roof, enjoying the cool, quiet solitude. It was New Year's Eve—New Year's Day actually, it was something like one in the morning—and the gang had spent the night celebrating at Riley's. They had kept the party small, only the six of them, and they had gone to the roof just before midnight to watch the fireworks. Maya had made sure to stand nowhere near Lucas during the countdown. Things had been different between them since Texas ( _again_ )—one minute they would be joking around, acting their version of normal, and then suddenly something in the air would change and they would look at each other in a way that made their hearts pound and they would gravitate to each other, closer and—

So Maya made sure not to be next to Lucas when the clock struck midnight.

Eventually the group had gone back inside to escape the cold. They lazed around the apartment, playing games and picking at the food, until soon they began to doze off one by one. Maya found her thoughts drifting towards Lucas and Texas and things she _didn't_ want to think about, so she had taken it as her opportunity to break away.

She leaned forward, perching her elbows on the half-wall and her chin on her hand, gazing out at the bustling city and trying to keep her head clear of anything Lucas related.

"Maya?"

 _Oh you have_ got _to be kidding me_.

She didn't move but hummed in acknowledgement. Lucas made his way over, Maya's heart beating faster with every step he took. She hated that he made her like this. She hated that he still made her like this, after everything.

"What are you doing up here?" He asked, stopping next to her, closer than she appreciated at that moment.

"Just needed some fresh air," she mumbled.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, but Maya soon realized Lucas had shifted from looking at the city to looking at her. She tried not to squirm under his gaze but found him to be, as always, completely distracting.

"What?" She turned to look at him, crossing her arms.

"Maya . . ."

Maya knew exactly where he was going—if she hadn't heard it in his voice she had most certainly seen it in his eyes.

"Lucas, don't."

"You don't even know what I was gonna say."

She scoffed. " _Yes_ I do."

"Maya—"

"I can't do this right now."

She turned and stomped away, climbing the two steps to the door, and he followed.

"Why do you keep doing this? Why won't you talk about us?"

"There is no _us_ , Lucas!" She shouted, spinning to face him and throwing her arms out. "I'm not going to be your second choice."

"You were never my second choice!" He screamed back. Her mouth hung open, her words lost. He stepped forward, settling at the bottom of the steps. "I chose you! Last year, I chose you, but you wouldn't let me. I dated Riley because I thought you didn't want to be with me."

Maya found herself walking to him, small slow steps that she didn't realize she was taking. Lucas' face softened as she approached.

"I just wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me."

"You chose me?" Her voice was barely a whisper. He smiled.

"I chose you. I'm always going to choose you."

Color rushed to her cheeks as her stomach exploded in butterflies. She went to step down but her heel got stuck on the stair and she stumbled into Lucas. He caught her by her arms, her hands falling against his chest. He tucked her hair behind her ear and let his thumb graze her cheek before tangling in her hair, their faces only a hairsbreadth apart.

"Maya?"

The voice came muffled from somewhere inside. Before Maya could turn to search for the source Lucas pressed his lips to hers firmly. She gasped into the kiss. His free hand wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer, and she melted and trailed her arms up and around his neck. He used his hand in her hair to tilt her head up and she pressed into him, trying to get as close as possible.

They separated at the sound of the roof door closing. Maya blushed and hid her face in the crook of Lucas' neck. He laughed and wrapped his arms around her.

"You do want to be with me, right?"

She pulled away and smacked him.

"What do you think?"

viii. staying together (or not)

School was really just the bane of Maya's existence. She sat criss-cross on her floor, surrounded by assignments—she didn't even know where to start. Her mind was too cluttered to deal with school.

Right on cue her phone dinged with a text from Lucas. She dropped her head into her hands and sighed. Lucas was the last thing she wanted to think about, but of course was the only thing on her mind.

 _"Girls like you just don't end up with guys like him."_

She pressed her eyes closed, her heart skipping a beat.

A knock startled her. She spun to see Lucas at her window, grinning and holding a bag from the Nighthawk Diner.

 _Fuck._

She dragged herself to the window, avoiding his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" She had tried to keep her voice neutral but the defensive tone crept in and put them both on edge.

"Just thought I would stop by, see how you are. You haven't been answering your phone." He watched her carefully, trying to catch her eye. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, fine." She nodded and looked at him, but not _at_ him.

"Hey," he said, approaching her. "Talk to me."

He reached out for her and she flinched. He recoiled, hurt flashing across his face.

"It's me?"

"It's—it's us."

"What about us?"

Maya turned away from him and began to pace. "I just don't know why we're together."

"What?" Her heart broke at the pain in his voice. "Because we want to be, that's why."

She said nothing, tears threatening to spill over at any second.

"Do you not want to be with me anymore?"

"I do," she couldn't help but say. "But what's the point if it's just gonna end up hurting us?"

"Maya, what do you _mean_?"

"Girls like me don't end up with guys like you!" She snapped.

His face softened and he tried to make his way towards her again.

"Who said that? Since when do you care what other people think?"

"This isn't about other people, Lucas."

She stared down at her hands, her heart pounding, a tight feeling in her chest. He crossed his arms.

"So what, do you want to break up?"

 _No. No no no no nonononononono. No, definitely not, never._ She said nothing.

"If you don't want to be with me just tell me, but don't make fucking excuses!" Lucas shouted and Maya winced, shrinking away from him.

Her heart hurt. It _actually_ hurt—her chest constricted and ached and her heart began to race and her breath came out in gasps because she couldn't _breathe._ Her back hit the wall and she grasped at her chest, trying desperately to get air. She took shuddering breaths as she slid to the floor, shaking, her vision blurring.

It felt like she was choking. It felt like she was dying.

"Maya?"

His voice sounded distant, like it was coming from a phone or from another room. She tried to lift her head, to find him, but it took all of her energy just to keep breathing. Somewhere in the back of her mind she acknowledged the fact that he was moving—he came and sat next to her, reached out for her.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Maya. You're ok, it's ok." His voice was calm and steady. He tried to pull her into him but she pushed him away and began to sob—her head was spinning and her chest was burning and it was all too much.

"I—I can't. I can't, I can't—." She forced out, over and over again.

"Maya, you're ok, you're safe."

He continued to speak, soft yet firm, and continued to reach for her. Eventually she stopped fighting, falling into him with a violent tremor. He held her tightly, her head against his chest.

"Just listen to my breathing. Listen and match your breathing to mine."

They remained like that for while—minutes, hours, neither of them kept track. With every breath Lucas took Maya's slowed more and more to match his. When her breathing had settled to a pace that was much slower and healthier she began to react to him, wrapping her arms around him and shifting slightly. Though her breathing had settled and her shaking had mostly subsided, her heart was still beating quickly and she still felt weak and dizzy.

"I can't lose you. I can't get left again." Her voice was so quiet he almost didn't hear her.

"I would never leave you," he said, stroking her hair. He pressed a kiss to her head and whispered into her hair, "You'll never lose me."

He paused, watching her chest rise and fall slowly, and a smile spread across his face. "I love you."

She didn't say it back, but that was ok. He knew how she felt about love, he knew she needed time. He just needed to say it, he needed her to hear it. She needed to hear it.

She knew they were going to be ok.

ix. going all the way (let's not)

She liked kissing him.

Lucas pushed her down until her back hit the bed and he trailed a hand up her hip to her waist. She fisted his shirt, pulling him closer.

She _really_ liked kissing him.

His mouth was warm on hers and he tasted like coffee and she wanted more, but just then he pulled away. Her whine of protest was caught in her throat as his lips claimed her neck, sucking softly on her sensitive skin. She tangled a hand in his hair and tilted her head back subconsciously.

He sat up and pulled his shirt off, staring down at her with hooded eyes. She admired his toned body and drew herself to him, sitting up and settling on her knees, cradling his face in her hands and pressing her lips to his.

They melted into each other, molding their bodies to fit together the same way they had been doing for months.

Maya laughed into the kiss as Lucas struggled with her bra clasp. _Boys—totally hopeless_. She reached an arm around her back to help him and pulled it out from under her shirt. His large hands settled on her waist, his thumb caressing her skin and skimming the bottom of her breast. Her heartbeat picked up.

They had been dating for over six months but they still hadn't . . . gone all the way. They had barely even gone part of the way. Maya's stomach flipped at the thought of it. Sex was terrifying to her—it was so personal, so intimate, so _vulnerable_.

His hand grazed her thigh, sliding up slowly. He pushed her down onto the bed again, settling on top of her. Her body heated up and she could feel _him_ and she began to panic. He could tell something was wrong and he stopped, pulling back slightly.

"What's wrong?"

Maya placed her hands on his chest and pushed him off of her, sitting up and chewing on her swollen lip.

"It's just, uh, a little too much."

He furrowed his brow. "What is?"

She hesitated, gazing up at him sheepishly. "I'm not ready for," she gestured wildly with her hands, "it. For sex."

"Hey," he said, tucking some hair behind her ear. "That's ok, we can go as slow or as fast as you want. All I care about is that you're comfortable."

Her heart swelled and she grinned at him. He laughed and shook his head.

"Plus, I'm gonna make sure our first time is a hell of a lot more romantic than _this_."

"You got a problem with my room Huckleberry?" She faux-pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.

"No. It's beautiful, just like you. And someone as beautiful and kind and amazing as you deserves the most romantic, wonderful, unforgettable first time there ever was. So I'm gonna make sure you get it."

Maya's stomach flipped. In that moment she was pretty damn sure she was in love with Lucas Friar. But she couldn't say so, not until she was sure.

So she kissed him instead.

x. i will say (i'm in love)

Maya groaned as she woke up, stretching languidly and yawning. She could feel that Lucas wasn't in the bed. She rubbed her eyes and dragged herself up and out, following the smell of food.

Katy and Shawn had gone out of town for the weekend, and when Lucas found out he insisted he stay at their apartment while they were gone. Maya told him she would be fine, but he said either he stay at her apartment or she stay at his, and with his parents home, they could have a lot more fun at hers.

She was bombarded with heavenly scents as she entered the kitchen. She breathed in the smell of bacon and opened her eyes to see her boyfriend standing at the stove, his back to her, humming.

 _God he was_ such _a huckleberry._

She made her way to the breakfast bar and pulled herself up onto one of the stools, watching him in silence.

"Morning," he said, not even turning around. "How did you sleep?"

"Are you wearing an apron?" She teased, ignoring his question.

"As a matter of fact, I am." He turned to her, plate in hand, and set it in front of her before leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to her lips. Then he was back at his post at the stove, preparing pancakes.

Maya couldn't help but smile as she watched him, a warm feeling settling over her. They were quiet—there was no need to speak. They did that sometimes, spent time with each other in silence, just enjoying each other's presence. They had been dating for nearly a year and they had never been happier.

And suddenly Maya knew. She was sure. One hundred percent, no doubt, totally positive. She smiled.

"Hey, Lucas?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

* * *

a/n: title from send me the moon by sara bareilles. find me on tumblr sabs-carpenter


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